There's something about aging that makes you approach life in a gentler way. I've had numerous moments of realization of how differently I embrace and handle life in my thirties. As time has gone on, I've noticed that I have grown to be a lot quieter and more protective of all the aspects of my life that I cherish. I remember a point in time where I overshared and let people in on a lot of pieces to my life, whether that was sharing my successes, my career, or even who I was dating. I was an open book, completely. So much that I cringe at the fact I once overshared as much as I did. Although, there was nothing wrong with sharing aspects of my life that I wanted to share, I eventually arrived at a place where I felt it wasn't necessary for everyone to know everything all at once, as it was happening. I also realized that I shared as much as I did because happiness was viewed more as a checklist, rather than a feeling to enjoy fully out of authentic satisfaction, and once you operate out of that, you begin to keep things on a need to know. I don't mean that in a way that comes off as pretentious or that my business is important, but I will say that with becoming more private, I have been most at peace and the happiest I have ever been.
The people weren't lying when they said a private life is a happy life because let me tell you, the space I am in is absolutely beautiful.
In October, I went back to my hometown to celebrate one of my best friends' weddings, along with three of my other childhood best friends. We've all grown up together from middle and high school, so you can imagine all the phases we've witnessed each other grow through as we slowly became the women we are now. The one that stuck out the most though, was the beauty in starting over. Each of us have had our own experiences that called us to shed the women we used to be to blossom into the women we proudly stand as today. Celebrating with them really made me see clearer that none of the issues we worry about throughout our phases of womanhood really matter. All of them have elevated and settled in much better seasons and it's all due to them giving themselves permission to try, trust, and ultimately love again. It just really goes to show that no matter how much we plan our life, God's life for you will prevail and is always better than what you ever saw for yourself. Of course, with life's preciousness and random moments of bliss comes natural self-reflection for me. After the wedding and throughout this recent holiday season, my sense of gratitude has heightened... and I became aware that I'm living in multiple answered prayers. I suddenly came to realize my own happiness as of late and how faithful God is with his promises.
A while back, I shared a post about how I felt like I was God's forgotten daughter and touched on my feelings with dating and taking a break from all things romance (you can read more here), but after publishing that post, I fully released and surrendered my feelings toward the topic. I had come to the decision that I was going to exit from dating altogether and was genuinely fine with embarking on another long run of singleness. Then God said, "okay", and brought His choice for me. His humor is funny. I'll preface and say that even before my partner was placed in my life, I was happy. However, since being with him, life has been a lot sweeter. I never truly liked to refer to someone as my better half because it felt like I was discrediting myself and my wholeness, but he is truly the best addition to me. Love finding you again is so calming and affirming, especially after feeling as confused about my "timeline" as I did. I soon understood though, when you decide to release what you most desire, and the second you let go of the control— God delivers it to you. It was completely unexpected but taught me the most valuable lesson on patience and trusting Him fully. The amount of time I wasted trying to control who was for me and who wasn't by gatekeeping who could and could not be my potential husband is laughable now. Which speaks to God's testament even more, because when He felt the time was right, He made it happen (and better than I could have ever done). The love I have been blessed with now is completely reminiscent of how God loves us. It's soft, kind, patient, and selfless. It's aligned and equally yoked, and I'm able to fully immerse myself in the goodness of our relationship without fear. It's grounded, it's trustworthy, but most importantly, it's safe. Being with a man that loves God truly makes a difference in how you are loved in return.
I've genuinely been enjoying and living in the moment lately, that I started expressing the goodness of it all as my peaceful era. It's honestly the best way I can describe it. You never know when God will take or add to your journey, but with both, life is constantly adjusting to meet you where you're at or need to be. Not that long ago, I was expressing my feelings on the hardships of dating and wanting marriage and now, being with someone who has made his intentions very clear, puts all of my heart's desires into a whole new perspective. Saying that I want marriage and children versus the reality of that being a lot closer goes to show just how quickly your season of stillness can shift to a season of bearing more fruit from God's favor and faithfulness. It feels good but it also feels right, because the person I am with makes me excited about God choosing him for me to experience all of this with. However, the main point to this post was to tell you to not lose hope and don't grow impatient. Stay obedient to the feelings placed on your heart and the direction that God tugs you in. When you keep God at the center, He always provides you with exactly what He knows you need. After all, a woman who walks with God always reaches her destination. So, whatever you have been praying over, know that when you fully release the need to control the outcome of it, you give yourself permission to allow God to steward your life in the way He sees fit. No matter what you are grappling with, or asking guidance for, affirm that you trust God with whatever direction He takes you in, for His will and His way, is always for your good.
Unquestionable faith and full surrenderance to retain or resist is when you'll know, you have reached your peaceful era too.
After two months, this post is finally seeing the light of day. It was originally written right after New Year's but wasn't posted when I thought it was finished because I felt God wanted me to keep revisiting what was said, to really articulate the message he wanted me to get out. Although this is primarily based off of the way that I am feeling, and it may be too vulnerable, or even a little too personal, no matter how much I really wanted to keep my thoughts and extremely vulnerable state to myself, God wasn't going for it. He literally would not get this off my mind until it was written (in full) and shared. This is also a form of therapy for me and considering I no longer have my therapist since relocating, this is the best way to not suppress my feelings.
For as long as I can remember, I have been a lover of love... and I think that comes entirely from the way that I was raised. I come from a very affectionate and loving environment— raised off immense verbal and physical notions of love. This is the main reason why I always state that I was born a lover girl, because it's true. However, love outside of family and friends hasn't quiet agreed to love me back. There has been one thing that I have always been so sure of and that is being a mother. I knew that eventually when the time was right, I wanted to have a family one day. Fast forward to present day and I find myself in my thirties, single, and deciding to remove myself from the dating pool. I'm not jaded, it's a personal choice, but I won't lie and say that I'm not discouraged. Dating for me has been a disaster (maybe that's a bit dramatic) and one reading this may come to believe that, if I'm having that much trouble, I have to be the problem. I don't believe that to be true, but dating has been a cycle of disappointment for sure. I've gotten to a point in life where I'm seeing my girlfriends around me embarking new milestones in womanhood and creating their lives and families of their own, and naturally wonder when it will be my turn. When will the cycle finally break and why does it seem like I have the hardest time in this one particular area of life?
I'm being 1000% transparent right here when I say sometimes, I feel like God's forgotten daughter. I believe he places desires in our hearts for a reason... but I don't know maybe I misunderstood this one? I (and others) remind myself to be patient but in the same thought, question if what I want is truly in the cards for me. I believe I am a kindhearted person and live by treating others with respect and integrity, and most of the time loyalty that is one sided— yet I'm the main person being let down and disappointed over and over again. It goes two ways: meet someone who doesn't know how to value you or meet someone who isn't ready to fully receive you. I'm very intentional with relationships that I welcome in my life and always have been that way. It takes me a while to truly feel like I want to be with someone and I'm selective, which has only increased with age. I never imagined that someone as genuine, loyal, and loving as I am, would be in the space that I'm currently in and I hate reaching an emotional state where I begin to question myself as a woman. Which is why I have removed myself from dating altogether because to be completely honest, I'm tired and I need a detox from any and everything romantic. I'm not sure why it seems to be so hard to date in this generation, but it definitely appears that very few people value meaningful connections and relationships in the manner that I do. Apart from connections simply not working out or being the right fit for me, there is so much cheating, "sneaky linking", and deceitfulness going around that really makes you not even want to put forth the energy to try to date. Coming across someone with the same morals and respect that you have, who will appreciate you (without them having to spin the block on you after treating you poorly), is like finding a needle in a haystack and makes marriage seem like an even harder feat.
I have stood firm throughout my dating and relationship experiences; and very clearly make it known to value me while you have me, and I won't budge from that, which is also why I feel my dating experiences hit a bit harder emotionally. If "one and done" was a person, it is me. I do not desire my romantic foundation to be the byproduct of anything I had to heal from, and this is no shade to anyone who has made the decision to forgive, continue relationships or build marriages with someone who they worked through trials with, but I don't want that for me. I have never been one to go backwards, only forward. I know that there is someone out there who will cherish and have my best interest at heart, and I want that for myself... but ironically, sometimes I also feel like the way I move hinders that in some way. There have been times where I felt like maybe I should just try to work things out with this person, and we all know we get in our head about men who continue to circle back to you, like there must be a reason for it, but then I'm always quickly met with memory of how I was treated... and I worked through so many really hard and trying moments to heal and rebuild myself from it, that accepting someone back feels like a betrayal to myself. I will state though, it doesn't make me ignore the fact that people can change, but I guess I have always been willing to cut my losses because I know what I want and what I'm worthy of... and once I choose you, it's only you... and nothing in this world can sway my loyalty ... so I can't blame myself for wanting that in return.
I know someone reading this is probably like "girl, just stay patient and love yourself"... how many times have I heard that suggestion before? I do love myself, a lot... but that doesn't dismiss the normalcy of desiring partnership. I can love myself all I want and bask in my season of singleness, but at the end of the day— I still want to be a mom, a wife, and see my parents as grandparents.
However, recently I had to really sit with myself and turn inward, to better understand why this desire is so strong and what the real root cause of it is. It's clear that God doesn't see me fit for that season of life yet and it takes work to accept it. I'm a person who tends to put others before myself, not because I lack boundaries— but genuinely out of being selfless... and perhaps this is a season where God is sending me sign after sign, telling me that this is the period to pour back into myself. How can he possibly keep allowing me to pour so much into others to where I eventually begin to neglect pouring into me? You know growing up in church, there's this hyper fixation and emphasis of marriage and finding a husband, to where it translates into an unintentional status of worth... and I'll admit deep down that lingered with me. See, because of the constant let downs, being cheated on, ghosted at times, or pursued with no real intent, you begin to place marriage on a pedestal— because if I'm someone's wife then I must be worthy right? Because he chose me. I don't think people take notice how easily marriage and being a wife can become an idol. That's when I realized that my desire for marriage partially stemmed from wanting a stable relationship for once and marriage screams stability from the outside looking in. Now coming to this realization, I remember how I lost myself in a relationship in the past. I found myself withdrawn further and further away from my relationship with the Lord and placing my relationship with my boyfriend at the time, at the forefront. I began to do things with a "we" mindset, without even discerning if that was the man God handpicked to be my purpose-mate. So, while watching a sermon the other day, it was stated that "God can't trust you with anything that you put before Him."... and often times we make our own plans and life changing decisions with people God never intended for us to have longevity with, they were sent to highlight the work he still has to do in you. We make plans with people that diverts the original plan God has... and sometimes the consequences place us in a completely different direction than he intended. With acknowledging that, I also had to acknowledge that the sermon spoke truth... how can God trust me with marriage right now, when I have so easily placed the desire for it before my relationship with him?
yes, I indeed felt attacked lol... there's so much truth to it though. Women are taught to believe that marriage is the end all be all, the ultimate relationship. The elevation that one status is placed over the other is damaging, and constantly hearing statements like "why are you single?", "I'm surprised no one has snatched you up yet", or there's someone trying to play matchmaker and introducing you to their nephew or grandson because of the simple fact you both happen to be single, and if you are a woman within my age range, you begin to hear "you better hurry and settle down so you can have kids, you aren't getting any younger" but also forbid having a child out of wedlock.. all of these things drive your brain to start believing that "I need to be married" because there is always a focal point placed on it. Is marriage a good thing? yes... but it is not the ultimate relationship we should be seeking. My fixation on dating, marriage, and eventually wanting children one day was ultimately making me begin to doubt God with my "unsuccessful relationships"... and with each disappointment of a failed romantic attempt, I was losing sight of what a season of singleness truly is. Right now, is the time for me to keep learning about myself, to sit with the reality that I am in a completely different state of mind in terms of what I value and practice and ultimately, this isn't the time for me to potentially welcome someone in who could compromise that. My feelings matter just as much as the next person, and I have often (on many occasions) disregarded that. Whenever the time comes, I want to be with the right person, but I cannot properly discern that while looking over the inner work that I still have left to do, so that I am the right person in return... and although I have great qualities, I still come up short. There are areas that still have to be worked through and need a lot of care, that only I can mend, but most importantly there is life to be lived and enjoyed solo, without someone else needing to share it with me.
I'm going to end this with a script from a song that came on while commuting to work the other day when I was really in my feelings lol. It said:
"You know, at some point, you just have to let go, surrender and say, "I don't know what I'm doing, God, tell me what to do again" and I used to be frustrated with that because it's like man, haven't you been here already? Haven't you said this before? I used to be frustrated with that but now I've realized that, at each level, or in each different space, there's another level of surrender, and it's greater space that I can give the Lord in my situation." - Naomi Raine x Let Go (Car Chat)
Seasons are designed intentionally for us. So, with that being said, I'm surrendering my feelings that I have been forgotten about by God and accepting that although friends around me have reached the stages that I desire to experience, I am not behind or running out of time— and he remembers me. We often place timelines on our life, even when we intend to stop, but God is an intentional God, steadfast, and acts quickly with his alignment. Just because I feel like I'll have a child late contingent of the dating experiences I have had, doesn't mean that he won't act and make things move just like that (visualize a snap, I snapped lol). It can happen late or quicker than I expect— but whichever one it is, I accept it. I'm surrendering. Most of all, I hope anyone reading this and feeling the way I do restores their hope and continues to trust in the work he's doing behind the scenes, because he remembers you too. Enjoy your season of being single and do everything you have ever wanted to do, because one day you will no longer have the luxury or the freedom to think of just you and always remember that God's greatest attribute is love. Everything that is listed in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is everything you deserve and anything less than that in return has to go.
with love,
ash.
I was supposed to write this around my birthday, almost three months ago, but never got around to it. My entire blog has documented the growth I've had from twenty-four to now, twenty-nine years old. I tried my best to compile a list of the most important lessons from my 20's. I like to believe I gained a lot of wisdom up to this point. So here we go!
1. You already have what you need to fill your own cup.
This is the most important mindset to have. Truly believing that you are capable of providing yourself with whatever you feel you lack is imperative to your self-esteem. I always like to tell myself that "I lack nothing" because I honestly believe that. Even if I do, my mindset will eventually garner what's presumed to be missing for me. It also allows me to stay present and grateful for all that I have right now. Our flaws are our best attributes because they continuously challenge you to look within and grow.
You have everything you need, use it.
2. Change is okay. Uncomfortable, but once adjusted—worthwhile.
I can say that I have gotten a lot better at being reluctant to change. Honestly, I wouldn't even say I'm reluctant because I like and appreciate change, I'm just very careful when making changes. I can be a very analytical thinker at times, everything that I do or plan to do is always pre-calculated to make sure that I am making the best move. Although this isn't a characteristic of mine that I can just turn off, fully embracing unfavorable situations has contributed a lot to how I view transitions in my life. A much younger me didn't know how to handle the uncomfortable feelings change brought, but a much wiser me appreciates how flexible and fluid I am now when needing to adapt. It's loosened my need to control everything and move with the shifts. Change is what we need, welcome it, no matter how it looks.
3. You never truly know who you are, you get snippets of evolution that soon fade away by continuous growth.
I always find it a little entertaining when I see younger women in their early to mid-twenties being so sure how their life will be. You see a lot of "I'm going to be or do XYZ before I'm 30" or "I refuse to be Xyz at 30".
and believe me, I get it. I had that mindset too in my early to mid-twenties. That mindset also caused me a lot of internal conflicts when my romanticized life and my reality didn't mirror each other. I look back at who I was at 23, 25, and even 27. I'm sure I won't be the first or the last person to tell you that, I had no clue what I was doing or even who I was at every single one of those ages. Yes, even two years ago. Everything I wanted was based on what society pressured me to want and a lot of egos. I competed a lot during those years, playing the comparison game, trying to keep up and portray my life how I thought it should be. A lot of need for validation in the way my life looked, rather than how it felt. I wanted the booming career, the recognition, the relationship, and everything else you think is supposed to make your life fulfilled.
The truth of the matter is, you can't possibly possess it ALL, so young, when you're still figuring yourself out. I thought I wanted to be a sports journalist, on tv and married by 30. My reality now: I'm working in Special Education/Mental Health, going back to school, a year shy of 30, and clearly not married. I share that because we often make ourselves feel guilty for not sticking to our initial plans for our life when really, all we're doing is accepting the evolution and lessons that are introducing us to our best self. I'm happy that the career that I wanted didn't pan out the way I saw fit and the relationship that I believed was forever, ended. These are all lessons that contribute to your highest self... and it's going to take a lot of them to get you there. So, my advice is to just live your life and stop putting restrictions, and time caps on what may be vital for you. Don't rush to have it all before 30. Enjoy where you are, we all are in different stages, but embrace where God has positioned you and trust that He will exalt you, and your life at the perfect time. Live and truly experience life, stop placing so much pressure on how it needs to be.
4. Don't let someone else's trauma become your baggage.
This is a case of things I wish I would have learned earlier, especially as an empath. Having a huge heart can be a blessing and a curse sometimes. However, you can't carry a load that isn't yours. You will suffocate yourself always being there for others or accepting too much of someone else's mess out of the kindness of your heart and the sake of "being there".
You need boundaries, boundaries are your friend.
5. My love is unconditional with conditional terms.
I love hard and prefer longevity over temporary experiences. However, as I've grown... I've realized that people want your love to be unconditional— no matter how badly they treat you, and if you don't allow them to mistreat you and stick around, then you aren't a "ride or die". That is not my definition of unconditional love at all and never will be. See, the love I give is unconditional because I do not hold back. I give it my all and dive in, wholeheartedly. I am my most vulnerable when in love and if nurtured right, there is no limit to how hard I will go for you. There are conditional terms, though. My love is pure, calm, reassuring, passionate, and intense— that requires the same energy to be poured back in. The depths of my love will never be seen when disrespected and cannot assist in making the person on the receiving end the best version of themselves, if not appreciated. So, I love, but I will never be a fool for love.
6. Do not rush back to school to find yourself.
Yes, I said what I said.
I graduated in 2015 with an undergrad degree in Organizational Communication with an emphasis in Public Relations. Life was exciting and looking up. Then as I started to job search, reality hit. The aching realization that life post-grad wasn't anything like they advertised to us. So, what's the first thing I think to do when nothing is working out? Go to graduate school, so I started to apply. I decided to go to journalism school, which was fine, but the preparation wasn't really there. I just knew I needed to fix not being able to find a job that fit, and it was probably because I needed my Master's. Luckily for me, I got denied from graduate school, and I say luckily because it would have been the biggest mistake.
Once I got denied, I thought my whole world was over lol. It felt like that was the direction God was pushing me toward and I didn't understand why he'd play me like that... but he knows our heart and intention. Being a student-athlete for basically, my whole life, made me struggle with my identity outside of sports. So, the reasoning behind me wanting to seek out journalism school was because I do love writing and storytelling, but also because I never took the time out to relate to anything else other than sports, that's obviously what I thought I should be doing.
Not getting into grad school in 2017 allowed me to move through so many unclear seasons of my life. It navigated me through many different jobs and fields that didn't make me feel any ounce of purpose. I took my time to let God place me where I felt the most fulfilled, instead of forcing my life to make sense and rushing to get a degree to back it. I wanted to make sure whatever I pursued was my calling, no matter how long it took to find it, and I refused to get myself in debt trying to figure it out. That was the smartest thing I did.
7. Live by yourself for as long as possible before welcoming your relationship under one roof.
Whew, this one here. I have only done this once, but I probably won't ever do it again. When you're in love, it seems like the move. Being with your significant other 24/7 sounds great. You feel like your relationship is really taking serious steps. I can't tell you what to do, but at 29, I'm holding on to my solo space as long as it possibly makes sense. Younger women, please do not force and rush this experience. A good majority of the men you are dealing with do not have the mental maturity to be taking care of them as a girlfriend. Enjoy your separate spaces, there is nothing wrong with that. You'll thank yourself for it.
8. Never ignore the repetitions of behavior.
This one is pretty self-explanatory, when someone shows you who they are the first time, please believe them. Red flags are red for a reason.
9. You don't need to build with a man. Fall back and let him build himself.
Ah, yes. If I could tell younger Ashley this with a megaphone, I would. No clue who suggested women be the architect for men who barely even know themselves, but it's the ghetto. It is not your job to pour all that you have into someone that cannot do it on their own. That should be the first indicator that the pendulum is not equally leveled. You can't build a man; he has to build himself. You can't provide the entire structure to the foundation. I think as women, we get so caught up in loving the man in our life and wanting to prove that we are there through thick and thin, without realizing we are either doing ourselves a disservice in what we are receiving, leaving very little to pour back into ourselves, or not creating an identity of our own. Sometimes, it's all three simultaneously. To keep it a buck with you, a lot of men have the time on their hands to sit and waste time because most haven’t come to terms with who they are in full capacity. They're just going through the motions with no real plan. If I can tell you one thing about these men, it's that they aren't going nowhere. As for me, I have things to accomplish and I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone to see or realize how much value I bring to the table. I am the table, period. The house and the car in the garage too. So, it's either you meet me where I'm at or get left— with no hesitation.
10. Private, lowkey, and out of the mix is the best way to be.
Everything that I love and value I keep sacred. Ironically, I truly love out loud when it comes to my romantic relationship. Now that I am older though, experiencing what I've gone through relationship-wise, it's important to understand the difference between secrecy and privacy. However, at 29, and having the opportunity to experience what I once believed to be love, I want to hold the real thing so much closer than I did before, even as a loud lover— but nothing is hidden, it's just an experience cultivated entirely for me and my significant other, without the need for all the extras.
11. Revoking people's access to you for your own peace of mind does not make you petty, incapable of communicating, or immature.
Short and sweet: if it costs you your peace, it is too expensive.
12. Sometimes you need to relocate to elevate.
I believe everyone should move away from their hometown at least once. There is so much out in the world for you to get ahold of, but you'll never know staying where you're most comfortable. Taking the leap is sometimes the push you need. Personally, I have done it twice. I moved to Los Angeles from my small hometown in Fresno and lived there for about six years, then I moved to Michigan, and I'll probably move one more time before I settle down. The amount of growth you experience is unbelievable. I 10/10 recommend.
13. You won't always live up to your own expectations and that is perfectly okay.
Life will not go the way we envision it, but it's the way we adapt to how it's unfolding that truly makes a difference.
14. It's a lot easier to find someone to fill up space and harder to find someone worth sharing a spot in your life.
This lesson I owe to my mother for instilling in me as a teenager. I remember vividly, the first time I ever got my heart broke in high school, and my mom telling me to sit with how I felt. She encouraged me to get my mind off of the hurt and focus on everything else I had going on in my life like sports, my friends, and family. At sixteen, she taught me the value of learning how to be alone without feeling the need to have someone fill up space for temporary fulfillment. That ended up carrying over into adulthood. I've only had three relationships throughout my twenty-nine years of life because I know how to enjoy being alone. I've never jumped from relationship to relationship, and if my relationship ends— I turn all of the emotions that I feel toward myself. We all want love and companionship, yes, but I'm not desperate to have anyone in my life just for the sake of not being alone for a period of time. I honor being patient and only entertain someone when I feel ready. I don't force anything before it's time and that's rare. I will forever thank my mom for embedding this in me.
15. When you tolerate the bare minimum, that is what you will receive, when you don't tolerate it— better will come. Never hesitate to deny what isn't for you.
Yeah, you're going to come across a lot of situations that teach you what you should and should not tolerate. A lot of times, you'll know better but your heart will overrule your mind. Just move through it. We all have to learn. Eventually, you cut out the dead weight and place yourself in the right position to receive what you deserve.
16. Leave men exactly where you found them.
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory lol. Do what you have to do and don't look back, guarantee he'll still be where you left him. Don't let anyone overstay their time in your life and block your blessings.
17. Taking time for yourself and eliminating dating makes a world of difference.
Also, self-explanatory. Not putting a focus on dating for a while and going after everything you want is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself. You learn a lot about yourself and what you want out of life. Highly recommend.
18. Experience people in the manner that God sends them to you, instead of the way you want them in your life.
Often times, we overextend ourselves to try and keep people in our lives longer than we actually should. A good majority of the experiences that God sends are lessons, learn, and grow from it.
19. You deserve someone who is certain of the significance you hold in their life and acts on it.
Please, don't waste your 20's trying to convince people to see what you are worth. Do not shrug off what doesn't sit right with you. If you can reciprocate everything you require, don't settle until you see and feel that.
20. Always remain exclusive.
You owe it to yourself to uphold the privilege one gets to know you. Everyone is not worthy, be selective always.
21. Everyone that crosses your path won't be the "one".
Secretly questioning if the new person you've been seeing could be "the one" does more harm than help. It turns into a cycle, constantly trying to gatekeep. Honestly, a good majority of the time the experience is simply just that— an experience. We place too much pressure on dating, searching for the "one" we're supposed to end up with, rather than enjoying the time and people for what it is in that moment. Dating to marry is fine, but dating to gatekeep to find who you may or may not marry is a whole other story.
22. Don't let anyone get comfortable enough to think they can treat you like you're regular.
If you don't treat yourself that way— no one else should. Set the tone for how people interact with you. Make the treatment you expect very clear. As a high-value woman, you are in control of your life, and you must stand by that standard to naturally attract what you already exude.
23. Romanticized versions of people make you ignore hella red flags.
Most of the time, the reasons we no longer deal with people were all shown to us in the beginning, but we didn't want to pay attention to it.
24. Wine solves just about everything.
Truth be told, don't underestimate it.
25. Rejection is always redirection.
God will never take without plans of replacing it with something better. Always remember that. There have been so many times in my life where I felt like God was rejecting me, only to find the redirection was better than what I originally wanted.
26. Speak life into what you want.
Words hold so much power. I like to eliminate the word "if" because it leaves too much space of uncertainty for me. I say "when" to affirm that it will happen and "I am" to confirm what I want to see myself as. Everything that I have manifested in the last year was used with this practice.
for example
When I get into grad school
When I pass my board exam
When I reach six-figures
I am living a life of luxury.
I am accomplishing and obtaining everything I want.
I am successful.
I am comfortable.
I am happy.
27. It doesn’t matter what someone told you if they showed you differently.
Never hold on to someone's words too closely when their actions don't support it.
28. Withdrawal is the only response you need.
People know when they offend you, and they knew when the offense took place. You soon learn to stop giving them room to explain themselves with excuses and no accountability. If you can't get the decency of consideration, there's nothing to really even get to the bottom of. Remove yourself and let them figure it out on their own.
29. Falling out of love is perhaps more powerfully significant than falling in love.
You'll know exactly what I mean once you experience it.
I haven't touched my blog in exactly a year and two months. I never planned on stepping away from it this long, but life threw a curveball that was a little harder for me to bounce back from, it cut deeper than the usual hiccups I'm used to encountering. To be honest with you, I've contemplated even writing this post for over five months now, each time feeling like it's not the right time to share about something so special and sacred to me. However, I'm learning (yes, still learning), that I don't have to disclose the most painful parts in detail to get the message across. I've used this platform for a good portion of my twenties, and a lot of you have been around to see multiple pieces to my story grow and die when it no longer served its purpose in my life. So, in an instance, this chapter is no different.
Five months ago, I was the happiest woman I could possibly be. I was in a new state and just started my new job, ready to step into this brand new element of my life that was filled with so much hope and excitement. Part of that reason? My relationship was no longer long distance. All of the plans we made would finally be able to come to fruition because we were finally together. Career and love life were at an all-time high for me. However, things didn't quite go as planned, which seems to be a reoccurring theme within my journey (lol).. and the relationship ended. Four years, gone. My emotions were all over the place, especially because it was so sudden. All I could really think about was the fact I had just uprooted my life primarily for someone I cared deeply about, and now in a space where I'm literally alone in an unknown place. No family. No friends. Nothing. Everyone and everything I know and love is back home in California. Of course, with any breakup, you get really deep into your feelings, and I was deeper than deep. Mostly confused, a handful of anger, and partially giving up. The feeling that stuck with me most was regret.
Why regret?
I was regretful of the fact I felt like I had wasted important parts, if not, vital years of my twenties being in this relationship. I was regretful of the fact I would never know the woman I had the potential to be, had I focused on myself from twenty-three to twenty-eight. I was regretful that I had a vision and entire life planned out with someone, that I invested years of time, energy, and work into— only to feel like I came up empty-handed, while they quickly moved on without hesitation. Most of all, I was regretful of the fact I even felt embarrassed, to begin with. Why did I put so much value into this relationship to where I felt embarrassed things went left? I can tell you why, because I put him and the relationship on a pedestal and when someone you think and speak so highly of disappoints you, you end up feeling like you don't really know them like you believed you did... so you feel like a fool, simply put. I had a lot of separation work I needed to do in terms of letting go of what once was or should have been— and accepting things for how they were in front of me. The biggest one, releasing the disappointment I felt for starting completely over at twenty-eight and ridding the image of having a marriage and family with my ex. It was most difficult, being around my childhood and college best friends, sharing their moments of engagement and wedding planning, knowing this was a chapter I truly looked forward to— but still being overjoyed and happy for my girls nonetheless because they absolutely deserve the happiness they harbor. However, if I can be honest.. it still cut a little deep. I was stuck seeing people build their lives and families together and hit with the reality of having to eventually go through the dating pool and get to know someone all over again. That thought alone was exhausting.
For some time, I battled with the choice of me going back home or staying and finishing the school year through. Some days/nights were really tough. I questioned if it was really worth staying in Michigan when I came for a specific reason. I felt like I was in a bind that I would have never purposely put myself in. So, I eventually reached a place where I had to get real with myself and let go of every negative emotion I was holding onto, for my own benefit. Shortly after, God started showing me the bigger picture. I don't think it's at all a coincidence getting the job I did. Over time, I began to see just how intentional God truly is. The friends I have made, the work environment that I'm in, and the people I work closely with every day— were all specifically handpicked for what I was soon to face. Feeling like I had no one here, quickly shifted toward having a true support system, one that I wasn't expecting. It is because of their words, their encouragement, and belief in me, that I started to look at this situation in a new light. If I had not taken this job, I would have never realized how passionate I truly am about special education and autism. Working with my students not only sparked a hidden passion but has truly inspired me to make an impact in ways I never saw fit. I knew I had an idea of what my end goal (career-wise) was, but I didn't think that it existed because it was just a list of my interests compiled into one. Luckily, I work directly with a woman who is absolutely amazing at what she does. I emailed her asking for a meeting to share my interests and hopefully get directed in the right direction and she exceeded that. Now, I'm pursuing more than what I originally embarked on this journey for. Everything has been coming into alignment. My happiness, solely provided by the life I'm building individually, is back. Overall, I'm just really excited about the way things are shifting around. If there's one thing about me, it's that I'm a go-getter and I always adapt and create a solid foundation, I think that's the one aspect I admire most about myself, I'm literally good anywhere. It's funny because my family wasn't really worried about me getting on my feet and actually encouraged me to stay put, putting all of their emotions of wanting me home aside. After all, that's how deep their support runs, knowing I come from a family of pure ambition, they knew I would be okay. I can always go home, it's always going to be there. A lot may have broken my heart, but it sharpened my vision, and my main focus is to remain focused to secure everything I've set my eyes on for my career.
Looking back, I remember mentioning to my mom in conversation that I felt like there was still a layer of womanhood I had yet to break into. That I felt I needed to be in a space to figure things out for my own, without a crutch or safety net to really reach that next level of adulthood. Be careful what you ask for because I got exactly that lol, but with good measure.
I guess the moral of the story is, everything truly happens for a reason. One lesson I've definitely taken from this is to believe the person someone shows you they are, the very first time. All in all, being single again was an adjustment, but to be honest it's probably the best thing I have done for myself. There's still underlying healing to be mended.. but I'm genuinely happy. I needed the disappointment to step back into my power and gain certain aspects of myself that I lost. Moving forward, I'm wiser. A hell of a lot stronger emotionally/mentally and know what I want for my life as I prepare to maneuver out of my twenties and really start to set the tone. I know that there are so many great things coming my way, I can truly feel the blessings being prepared to drop. I've gotten to know myself better than I ever have in the most trying way and for that I'm thankful. No love lost just elevated standards and a stronger emphasis on my value.
Here's to new beginnings in life, career, and eventually love (again, but no time soon). I know some of my best years, are the ones still on the way.
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