There's something about aging that makes you approach life in a gentler way. I've had numerous moments of realization of how differently I embrace and handle life in my thirties. As time has gone on, I've noticed that I have grown to be a lot quieter and more protective of all the aspects of my life that I cherish. I remember a point in time where I overshared and let people in on a lot of pieces to my life, whether that was sharing my successes, my career, or even who I was dating. I was an open book, completely. So much that I cringe at the fact I once overshared as much as I did. Although, there was nothing wrong with sharing aspects of my life that I wanted to share, I eventually arrived at a place where I felt it wasn't necessary for everyone to know everything all at once, as it was happening. I also realized that I shared as much as I did because happiness was viewed more as a checklist, rather than a feeling to enjoy fully out of authentic satisfaction, and once you operate out of that, you begin to keep things on a need to know. I don't mean that in a way that comes off as pretentious or that my business is important, but I will say that with becoming more private, I have been most at peace and the happiest I have ever been.

After two months, this post is finally seeing the light of day. It was originally written right after New Year's but wasn't posted when I thought it was finished because I felt God wanted me to keep revisiting what was said, to really articulate the message he wanted me to get out. Although this is primarily based off of the way that I am feeling, and it may be too vulnerable, or even a little too personal, no matter how much I really wanted to keep my thoughts and extremely vulnerable state to myself, God wasn't going for it. He literally would not get this off my mind until it was written (in full) and shared. This is also a form of therapy for me and considering I no longer have my therapist since relocating, this is the best way to not suppress my feelings.
"You know, at some point, you just have to let go, surrender and say, "I don't know what I'm doing, God, tell me what to do again" and I used to be frustrated with that because it's like man, haven't you been here already? Haven't you said this before? I used to be frustrated with that but now I've realized that, at each level, or in each different space, there's another level of surrender, and it's greater space that I can give the Lord in my situation." - Naomi Raine x Let Go (Car Chat)
1. You already have what you need to fill your own cup.
This is the most important mindset to have. Truly believing that you are capable of providing yourself with whatever you feel you lack is imperative to your self-esteem. I always like to tell myself that "I lack nothing" because I honestly believe that. Even if I do, my mindset will eventually garner what's presumed to be missing for me. It also allows me to stay present and grateful for all that I have right now. Our flaws are our best attributes because they continuously challenge you to look within and grow.
You have everything you need, use it.
2. Change is okay. Uncomfortable, but once adjusted—worthwhile.
I can say that I have gotten a lot better at being reluctant to change. Honestly, I wouldn't even say I'm reluctant because I like and appreciate change, I'm just very careful when making changes. I can be a very analytical thinker at times, everything that I do or plan to do is always pre-calculated to make sure that I am making the best move. Although this isn't a characteristic of mine that I can just turn off, fully embracing unfavorable situations has contributed a lot to how I view transitions in my life. A much younger me didn't know how to handle the uncomfortable feelings change brought, but a much wiser me appreciates how flexible and fluid I am now when needing to adapt. It's loosened my need to control everything and move with the shifts. Change is what we need, welcome it, no matter how it looks.
3. You never truly know who you are, you get snippets of evolution that soon fade away by continuous growth.
I haven't touched my blog in exactly a year and two months. I never planned on stepping away from it this long, but life threw a curveball that was a little harder for me to bounce back from, it cut deeper than the usual hiccups I'm used to encountering. To be honest with you, I've contemplated even writing this post for over five months now, each time feeling like it's not the right time to share about something so special and sacred to me. However, I'm learning (yes, still learning), that I don't have to disclose the most painful parts in detail to get the message across. I've used this platform for a good portion of my twenties, and a lot of you have been around to see multiple pieces to my story grow and die when it no longer served its purpose in my life. So, in an instance, this chapter is no different.
Five months ago, I was the happiest woman I could possibly be. I was in a new state and just started my new job, ready to step into this brand new element of my life that was filled with so much hope and excitement. Part of that reason? My relationship was no longer long distance. All of the plans we made would finally be able to come to fruition because we were finally together. Career and love life were at an all-time high for me. However, things didn't quite go as planned, which seems to be a reoccurring theme within my journey (lol).. and the relationship ended. Four years, gone. My emotions were all over the place, especially because it was so sudden. All I could really think about was the fact I had just uprooted my life primarily for someone I cared deeply about, and now in a space where I'm literally alone in an unknown place. No family. No friends. Nothing. Everyone and everything I know and love is back home in California. Of course, with any breakup, you get really deep into your feelings, and I was deeper than deep. Mostly confused, a handful of anger, and partially giving up. The feeling that stuck with me most was regret.
Why regret?
I was regretful of the fact I felt like I had wasted important parts, if not, vital years of my twenties being in this relationship. I was regretful of the fact I would never know the woman I had the potential to be, had I focused on myself from twenty-three to twenty-eight. I was regretful that I had a vision and entire life planned out with someone, that I invested years of time, energy, and work into— only to feel like I came up empty-handed, while they quickly moved on without hesitation. Most of all, I was regretful of the fact I even felt embarrassed, to begin with. Why did I put so much value into this relationship to where I felt embarrassed things went left? I can tell you why, because I put him and the relationship on a pedestal and when someone you think and speak so highly of disappoints you, you end up feeling like you don't really know them like you believed you did... so you feel like a fool, simply put. I had a lot of separation work I needed to do in terms of letting go of what once was or should have been— and accepting things for how they were in front of me. The biggest one, releasing the disappointment I felt for starting completely over at twenty-eight and ridding the image of having a marriage and family with my ex. It was most difficult, being around my childhood and college best friends, sharing their moments of engagement and wedding planning, knowing this was a chapter I truly looked forward to— but still being overjoyed and happy for my girls nonetheless because they absolutely deserve the happiness they harbor. However, if I can be honest.. it still cut a little deep. I was stuck seeing people build their lives and families together and hit with the reality of having to eventually go through the dating pool and get to know someone all over again. That thought alone was exhausting.
For some time, I battled with the choice of me going back home or staying and finishing the school year through. Some days/nights were really tough. I questioned if it was really worth staying in Michigan when I came for a specific reason. I felt like I was in a bind that I would have never purposely put myself in. So, I eventually reached a place where I had to get real with myself and let go of every negative emotion I was holding onto, for my own benefit. Shortly after, God started showing me the bigger picture. I don't think it's at all a coincidence getting the job I did. Over time, I began to see just how intentional God truly is. The friends I have made, the work environment that I'm in, and the people I work closely with every day— were all specifically handpicked for what I was soon to face. Feeling like I had no one here, quickly shifted toward having a true support system, one that I wasn't expecting. It is because of their words, their encouragement, and belief in me, that I started to look at this situation in a new light. If I had not taken this job, I would have never realized how passionate I truly am about special education and autism. Working with my students not only sparked a hidden passion but has truly inspired me to make an impact in ways I never saw fit. I knew I had an idea of what my end goal (career-wise) was, but I didn't think that it existed because it was just a list of my interests compiled into one. Luckily, I work directly with a woman who is absolutely amazing at what she does. I emailed her asking for a meeting to share my interests and hopefully get directed in the right direction and she exceeded that. Now, I'm pursuing more than what I originally embarked on this journey for. Everything has been coming into alignment. My happiness, solely provided by the life I'm building individually, is back. Overall, I'm just really excited about the way things are shifting around. If there's one thing about me, it's that I'm a go-getter and I always adapt and create a solid foundation, I think that's the one aspect I admire most about myself, I'm literally good anywhere. It's funny because my family wasn't really worried about me getting on my feet and actually encouraged me to stay put, putting all of their emotions of wanting me home aside. After all, that's how deep their support runs, knowing I come from a family of pure ambition, they knew I would be okay. I can always go home, it's always going to be there. A lot may have broken my heart, but it sharpened my vision, and my main focus is to remain focused to secure everything I've set my eyes on for my career.
Looking back, I remember mentioning to my mom in conversation that I felt like there was still a layer of womanhood I had yet to break into. That I felt I needed to be in a space to figure things out for my own, without a crutch or safety net to really reach that next level of adulthood. Be careful what you ask for because I got exactly that lol, but with good measure.
I guess the moral of the story is, everything truly happens for a reason. One lesson I've definitely taken from this is to believe the person someone shows you they are, the very first time. All in all, being single again was an adjustment, but to be honest it's probably the best thing I have done for myself. There's still underlying healing to be mended.. but I'm genuinely happy. I needed the disappointment to step back into my power and gain certain aspects of myself that I lost. Moving forward, I'm wiser. A hell of a lot stronger emotionally/mentally and know what I want for my life as I prepare to maneuver out of my twenties and really start to set the tone. I know that there are so many great things coming my way, I can truly feel the blessings being prepared to drop. I've gotten to know myself better than I ever have in the most trying way and for that I'm thankful. No love lost just elevated standards and a stronger emphasis on my value.
Here's to new beginnings in life, career, and eventually love (again, but no time soon). I know some of my best years, are the ones still on the way.
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