twenty-nine life lessons I learned by 29.

11.27.2020 Kentwood, MI



I was supposed to write this around my birthday, almost three months ago, but never got around to it. My entire blog has documented the growth I've had from twenty-four to now, twenty-nine years old. I tried my best to compile a list of the most important lessons from my 20's. I like to believe I gained a lot of wisdom up to this point. So here we go!

1. You already have what you need to fill your own cup.


This is the most important mindset to have. Truly believing that you are capable of providing yourself with whatever you feel you lack is imperative to your self-esteem. I always like to tell myself that "I lack nothing" because I honestly believe that. Even if I do, my mindset will eventually garner what's presumed to be missing for me. It also allows me to stay present and grateful for all that I have right now. Our flaws are our best attributes because they continuously challenge you to look within and grow.


You have everything you need, use it. 


2. Change is okay. Uncomfortable, but once adjusted—worthwhile. 


I can say that I have gotten a lot better at being reluctant to change. Honestly, I wouldn't even say I'm reluctant because I like and appreciate change, I'm just very careful when making changes. I can be a very analytical thinker at times, everything that I do or plan to do is always pre-calculated to make sure that I am making the best move. Although this isn't a characteristic of mine that I can just turn off, fully embracing unfavorable situations has contributed a lot to how I view transitions in my life. A much younger me didn't know how to handle the uncomfortable feelings change brought, but a much wiser me appreciates how flexible and fluid I am now when needing to adapt. It's loosened my need to control everything and move with the shifts. Change is what we need, welcome it, no matter how it looks. 


3. You never truly know who you are, you get snippets of evolution that soon fade away by continuous growth. 


I always find it a little entertaining when I see younger women in their early to mid-twenties being so sure how their life will be. You see a lot of "I'm going to be or do XYZ before I'm 30" or "I refuse to be Xyz at 30". 

and believe me, I get it. I had that mindset too in my early to mid-twenties. That mindset also caused me a lot of internal conflicts when my romanticized life and my reality didn't mirror each other. I look back at who I was at 23, 25, and even 27. I'm sure I won't be the first or the last person to tell you that, I had no clue what I was doing or even who I was at every single one of those ages. Yes, even two years ago. Everything I wanted was based on what society pressured me to want and a lot of egos. I competed a lot during those years, playing the comparison game, trying to keep up and portray my life how I thought it should be. A lot of need for validation in the way my life looked, rather than how it felt. I wanted the booming career, the recognition, the relationship, and everything else you think is supposed to make your life fulfilled. 

The truth of the matter is, you can't possibly possess it ALL, so young, when you're still figuring yourself out. I thought I wanted to be a sports journalist, on tv and married by 30. My reality now: I'm working in Special Education/Mental Health, going back to school, a year shy of 30, and clearly not married. I share that because we often make ourselves feel guilty for not sticking to our initial plans for our life when really, all we're doing is accepting the evolution and lessons that are introducing us to our best self. I'm happy that the career that I wanted didn't pan out the way I saw fit and the relationship that I believed was forever, ended. These are all lessons that contribute to your highest self.. and it's going to take a lot of them to get you there. So, my advice is to just live your life and stop putting restrictions, and time caps on what may be vital for you. Don't rush to have it all before 30. Enjoy where you are, we all are in different stages, but embrace where God has positioned you and trust that He will exalt you, and your life at the perfect time. Live and truly experience life, stop placing so much pressure on how it needs to be.


4. Don't let someone else's trauma become your baggage. 

This is a case of things I wish I would have learned earlier, especially as an empath. Having a huge heart can be a blessing and a curse sometimes. However, you can't carry a load that isn't yours. You will suffocate yourself always being there for others or accepting too much of someone else's mess out of the kindness of your heart and the sake of "being there".  

You need boundaries, boundaries are your friend. 

5.  My love is unconditional with conditional terms. 

I love hard and prefer longevity over temporary experiences. However, as I've grown.. I've realized that people want your love to be unconditional no matter how badly they treat you, and if you don't allow them to mistreat you and stick around, then you aren't a "ride or die". That is not my definition of unconditional love at all and never will be. See, the love I give is unconditional because I do not hold back. I give it my all and dive in, wholeheartedly. I am my most vulnerable when in love and if nurtured right, there is no limit to how hard I will go for you. There are conditional terms, though. My love is pure, calm, reassuring, passionate, and intense— that requires the same energy to be poured back in. The depths of my love will never be seen when disrespected and cannot assist in making the person on the receiving end the best version of themselves, if not appreciated. So I love, but I will never be a fool for love. 

6. Do not rush back to school to find yourself. 

Yes, I said what I said.

I graduated in 2015 with an undergrad degree in Organizational Communication with an emphasis in Public Relations. Life was exciting and looking up. Then as I started to job search, reality hit. The aching realization that life post-grad wasn't anything like they advertised to us. So, what's the first thing I think to do when nothing is working out? Go to graduate school, so I started to apply. I decided to go to journalism school, which was fine, but the preparation wasn't really there. I just knew I needed to fix not being able to find a job that fit and it was probably because I needed my Master's. Luckily for me, I got denied from graduate school, and I say luckily because it would have been the biggest mistake. 

Once I got denied, I thought my whole world was over lol. It felt like that was the direction God was pushing me toward and I didn't understand why he'd play me like that... but he knows our heart and intention. Being a student-athlete for basically, my whole life, made me struggle with my identity outside of sports. So, the reasoning behind me wanting to seek out journalism school was because I do love writing and storytelling, but also because I never took the time out to relate to anything else other than sports, that's obviously what I thought I should be doing.

Not getting into grad school in 2017 allowed me to move through so many unclear seasons of my life. It navigated me through many different jobs and fields that didn't make me feel any ounce of purpose. I took my time to let God place me where I felt the most fulfilled, instead of forcing my life to make sense and rushing to get a degree to back it. I wanted to make sure whatever I pursued was my calling, no matter how long it took to find it, and I refused to get myself in debt trying to figure it out. That was the smartest thing I did. 

7. Live by yourself for as long as possible before welcoming your relationship under one roof. 

Whew, this one here. I have only done this once, but I probably won't ever do it again. When you're in love, it seems like the move. Being with your significant other 24/7 sounds great. You feel like your relationship is really taking serious steps. I can't tell you what to do, but at 29, I'm holding on to my solo space as long as it possibly makes sense. Younger women, please do not force and rush this experience. A good majority of the men you are dealing with do not have the mental maturity to be taking care of them as a girlfriend. Enjoy your separate spaces, there is nothing wrong with that. You'll thank yourself for it.

8. Never ignore the repetitions of behavior. 

This one is pretty self-explanatory, when someone shows you who they are the first time, please believe them. Red flags are red for a reason. 

9. You don't need to build with a man. Fall back and let him build himself. 

Ah, yes. If I could tell younger Ashley this with a megaphone, I would. No clue who suggested women be the architect for men who barely even know themselves, but, it's the ghetto. It is not your job to pour all that you have into someone that cannot do it on their own. That should be the first indicator that the pendulum is not equally leveled. You can't build a man, he has to build himself. You can't provide the entire structure to the foundation. I think as women, we get so caught up in loving the man in our life and wanting to prove that we are there through thick and thin, without realizing we are either doing ourselves a disservice in what we are receiving, leaving very little to pour back into ourselves, or not creating an identity of our own. Sometimes, it's all three simultaneously. To keep it a buck with you, a lot of men have the time on their hands to sit and waste time because most haven’t come to terms with who they are in full capacity. They're just going through the motions with no real plan. If I can tell you one thing about these men, it's that they ain't going nowhere. As for me, I have things to accomplish and I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone to see or realize how much value I bring to the table. I am the table, period. The house and the car in the garage too. So it's either you meet me where I'm at or get left with no hesitation.  

10. Private, lowkey, and out of the mix is the best way to be. 

Everything that I love and value I keep sacred. Ironically, I truly love out loud when it comes to my romantic relationship. Now that I am older though, experiencing what I've gone through relationship-wise, it's important to understand the difference between secrecy and privacy. However, at 29, and having the opportunity to experience what I once believed to be love, I want to hold the real thing so much closer than I did before, even as a loud loverbut nothing is hidden, it's just an experience cultivated entirely for me and my significant other, without the need for all the extras. 

11. Revoking people's access to you for your own peace of mind does not make you petty, incapable of communicating, or immature. 

Short and sweet: if it costs you your peace, it is too expensive. 

12. Sometimes you need to relocate to elevate. 

I believe everyone should move away from their home town at least once. There is so much out in the world for you to get ahold of but you'll never know staying where you're most comfortable. Taking the leap is sometimes the push you need. Personally, I have done it twice. I moved to Los Angeles from my small hometown in Fresno and lived there for about six years, then I moved to Michigan and I'll probably move one more time before I settle down. The amount of growth you experience is unbelievable. I 10/10 recommend. 


13. You won't always live up to your own expectations and that is perfectly okay. 

Life will not go the way we envision it, but it's the way we adapt to how it's unfolding that truly makes a difference. 

14. It's a lot easier to find someone to fill up space and harder to find someone worth sharing a spot in your life. 

This lesson I owe to my mother for instilling in me as a teenager. I remember vividly, the first time I ever got my heart broke in high school, and my mom telling me to sit with how I felt. She encouraged me to get my mind off of the hurt and focus on everything else I had going on in my life like sports, my friends, and family. At sixteen, she taught me the value of learning how to be alone without feeling the need to have someone fill up space for temporary fulfillment. That ended up carrying over into adulthood. I've only had three relationships throughout my twenty-nine years of life because I know how to enjoy being alone. I've never jumped from relationship to relationship, and if my relationship endsI turn all of the emotions that I feel toward myself. We all want love and companionship, yes, but I'm not desperate to have anyone in my life just for the sake of not being alone for a period of time. I honor being patient and only entertain someone when I feel ready. I don't force anything before it's time and that's rare. I will forever thank my mom for embedding this in me. 

15. When you tolerate the bare minimum, that is what you will receive, when you don't tolerate it better will come. Never hesitate to deny what isn't for you. 

Yeah, you're going to come across a lot of situations that teach you what you should and should not tolerate. A lot of times, you'll know better but your heart will overrule your mind. Just move through it. We all have to learn. Eventually, you cut out the dead weight and place yourself in the right position to receive what you deserve. 

16. Leave men exactly where you found them. 

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory lol. Do what you have to do and don't look back, guarantee he'll still be where you left him. Don't let anyone overstay their time in your life and block your blessings. 

17. Taking time for yourself and eliminating dating makes a world of difference. 

Also, self-explanatory. Not putting a focus on dating for a while and going after everything you want is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself. You learn a lot about yourself and what you want out of life. Highly recommend. 


18. Experience people in the manner that God sends them to you, instead of the way you want them in your life. 

Often times, we overextend ourselves to try and keep people in our lives longer than we actually should. A good majority of the experiences that God sends are lessons, learn, and grow from it. 

19. You deserve someone who is certain of the significance you hold in their life and acts on it. 

Please, don't waste your 20's trying to convince people to see what you are worth. Do not shrug off what doesn't sit right with you. If you can reciprocate everything you require, don't settle until you see and feel that. 

20. Always remain exclusive. 

You owe it to yourself to uphold the privilege one gets to know you. Everyone is not worthy, be selective always. 

21. Everyone that crosses your path won't be the "one". 

Secretly questioning if the new person you've been seeing could be "the one" does more harm than help. It turns into a cycle, constantly trying to gatekeep. Honestly, a good majority of the time the experience is simply just that— an experience. We place too much pressure on dating, searching for the "one" we're supposed to end up with, rather than enjoying the time and people for what it is in that moment. Dating to marry is fine, but dating to gatekeep to find who you may or may not marry is a whole other story. 

22. Don't let anyone get comfortable enough to think they can treat you like you're regular. 

If you don't treat yourself that way no one else should. Set the tone for how people interact with you. Make the treatment you expect very clear. As a high-value woman, you are in control of your life and you must stand by that standard to naturally attract what you already exude. 

23. Romanticized versions of people make you ignore hella red flags. 

Most of the time, the reasons we no longer deal with people were all shown to us in the beginning, but we didn't want to pay attention to it.  

24. Wine solves just about everything. 

Truth be told, don't underestimate it. 

25. Rejection is always redirection.

God will never take without plans of replacing it with something better. Always remember that. There have been so many times in my life where I felt like God was rejecting me, only to find the redirection was better than what I originally wanted. 

26. Speak life into what you want.

Words hold so much power. I like to eliminate the word "if" because it leaves too much space of uncertainty for me. I say "when" to affirm that it will happen and "I am" to confirm what I want to see myself as. Everything that I have manifested in the last year was used with this practice.

for example 


When I get into grad school
When I pass my board exam
When I reach six-figures 

I am living a life of luxury
I am accomplishing and obtaining everything I want
I am successful
I am comfortable 
I am happy

27. It doesn’t matter what someone told you if they showed you differently. 

Never hold on to someones' words too closely when their actions don't support it. 

28. Withdrawal is the only response you need. 

People know when they offend you, and they knew when the offense took place. You soon learn to stop giving them room to explain themselves with excuses and no accountability. If you can't get the decency of consideration, there's nothing to really even get to the bottom of. Remove yourself and let them figure it out on their own. 

29. Falling out of love is perhaps more powerfully significant than falling in love. 

You'll know exactly what I mean once you experience it. 


2 comments

  1. This was such a good read, Ashley. Thank you for sharing & inspiring me to do so again.
    Your lessons hit cords ❤️

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Noelle, and even greater thanks for taking the time out to read! I am glad I have had the chance to influence you with sound advice from my own experiences since you were sixteen, and I only hope that it's contributed to the woman you are today! I am so extremely proud of you and all that you are doing.

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© Ashley Avenu. john 15:5 .