Things Didn't Go as Planned.. Is There Even a Plan Anymore?

"To the California State University, Los Angeles graduating class of 2015.. you have overcome great battles and today marks a significant core piece in the journey you've had here. You are now a part of the 30%, Congratulations -- you made it!"
*cheers and excitement and blow horns fill the air*

That last portion of the President's speech on my graduation day that early morning in June will forever stick with me. I remember feeling an abundance of joy because I was actually done with school. Excitement because I know that I made my family proud and relieved because I know all of the stress I endured throughout the whole entire process...  I worked my butt off to see this day.  There was a combination of emotions, but appreciation would probably be the best fit to describe it all. Simply because I was grateful for being able to attend a University and get my education for free by being a student-athlete. It was a long and overwhelming journey at some points. Juggling being an athlete AND a student isn't as easy as most may think.. there's double of everything and it can be overbearing at times, but the outcome and experience are well worth it all.

Now, fast forward to 7 months later (from graduation) and 10 months since I completed my undergraduate curriculum I feel as though the vision I had for myself after graduation is kind of.. diminished. Call me crazy, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who held themselves to a high standard or expectation for life post-college. See, I had a plan. Go to college. Graduate. Get a job. Build a career. Be successful. Be happy.

However, as we all know things sometimes just don't go as planned.

I know that everything takes time and you have to be patient for what you want, but I honestly feel like I'm just existing in this world.. when I want to live. I want to enjoy my life and actually feel as though I'm working towards something. I've been told numerous times that a lot of people, especially graduates, end up in jobs they completely hate before they get into the field they truly want to be in. Makes sense.. but I'm tired of doing that.

I went to school to ultimately pave my way into the Broadcast Media world (Plan A).. or work behind the scenes with the NBA/WNBA in basketball operations and communication departments (Plan B) .. but getting my foot in isn't the easiest of tasks. I apply to jobs almost every day so that I can start building the career path and the vision God's placed within me, some that I know I qualify for and even some I know I don't. I'm just trying to get myself out there.

I sit here thinking to myself like what's next? what are the next steps?...

I never imagined it to be this hard and this draining to get into my career. I mean that is why I got the degree, to begin with.. right? I didn't think I would be that person who wakes up completely miserable every morning because I have to go to a job for 8 hours that I don't even like.

I vowed that I wouldn't stay at the job I'm in now no longer than a year, naively thinking I would easily be able to get a position (any position) in the career I want within that set time frame. I'm now at month 8.. and sometimes I ask myself what I'm even doing.. what am I even working towards.. and sadly, what do I even WANT to do. I find myself applying to jobs that would be a dream come true that I'm qualified for, hoping that it'll all fall into place for me... but I also noticed that I was just applying to other jobs in hopes to get me out of the one I'm at now.. and I hate that. It's like I'm settling, but don't really have any other choice but to do exactly that and me being the person I am it drives me insane.

It's a shame how lost you can feel after such an accomplishment that nobody can take away from you, that you earned. A piece of paper that you dedicated sixteen or more years to get. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to even have a job, to begin with.. but I refuse to get comfortable and I absolutely won't allow myself to get complacent with where I'm at right now in life. I want more.

Now all the questions roam through my mind.

"Do I wait it out and pray on it and stick through how I'm feeling and wait for a position in my dream career?". "Should I just quit the job I'm in right now and go to grad school?". "Is a graduate degree in Journalism even worth all the trouble and money for the career I want to be in..?".  Back and forth, back and forth. This is an everyday thought.

Everyone's journeys are different. Situations turn around for others far before they may turn around for you. Something I try to remember. However, it's naturally impossible to not question when my time is coming when you see your friends and so many others post-college success growing. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to start doing actual adult things. I want my own place, but the cost of living in Los Angeles is ridiculous and my little job can't even cover that. Right now, I just feel like I'm wingin' it.

To put it in a more simple statement, I guess you can say that I honestly feel like I'm wasting time... at twenty-four years old I feel like I'm reaching near a quarter-century mid-life crisis soon. (let me not be so dramatic lol) However! Trying to get experience without anyone willing to give you the experience, because you don't have the experience has to be the most frustrating thing in the world. All I really want is a chance. I'm not really sure if others feel like this or if I'm the only one who feels this way, but it sucks.

Is there even a plan anymore?

I'm not a stranger to curveballs and bumps on the road at all. I've dealt with many.. just to get where I am now.

I guess the most important thing to remember is that even with all the curveballs you've been thrown and the many detours your journey takes.. the way you handle it will speak for what you've learned along the way.. the strength you gained from it all. No matter how hard it gets, no matter how lost I may be and no matter how much I may not know what my purpose is just yet. I can genuinely say that I will not give up. I might bend a few too many times, but I will not break.

..and if there's possibly anyone else who feels anything remotely close to this.. use this as a way to stay positive when your mind is getting poisoned with all of the negative.

Note to self,

It's okay if you don't have everything under control. It's okay if this isn't in your plan. God has something so divine and ready for you all planned out better than you could ever imagine. Let your faith carry you. Let him lead you on his terms, not yours. Let him bring you through once he feels you are ready. Let him prepare you for it all. So stop being a control freak. Everything will fall just the way it needs to. It's a journey, not a race. Enjoy the journey.

I alone need to honestly refer back to this myself and may we all see a breakthrough soon.


  1. I went through the exact same thing. But you have the right attitude, which is the most important thing. Never give up on yourself and never be scared to dream. After 2 years in a job I despise, where I have more experience and education than all my superiors and leadership team. I buckled under the pressure, frustration, and pure insanity of it all and just about lost my mind (I became depressed and anxious). Ultimately it brought me closer to God and my faith. Honestly, it made me realize my dreams had changed and I had to accept that. Thanks for sharing your story and for being a forever optimist.

    Chell Bee

    1. Thank you so much for taking time out to read and comment, it's very much appreciated. I know exactly how you feel; the anxiousness and depression is something I'm just now starting to get out of. There were lots and lots of breakdowns.. but you are so right, going through this experience definitely brings you in tighter with God and really gives you a sense in how to overcome how you are feeling, keep faith and continue to persevere, because after all, the feelings won't last long with the help and work of God.


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Ashley Avenu. Jeremiah 29:11.